Editor’s note: This is the first of a two part series.
By Dr. Christina McCale, author, “Waiting for Change”
In the subsequent months after the publication of my book,
“Waiting for Change” I have had innumerable people contact me: some thanking me
for the book. Others commenting how they could relate to my situation. Others
describing their own stories of job loss and the terror that ensues after that
catastrophe has been set upon them.
But invariably, as I talk with, thank and continue to share
with these incredible human beings, the question comes up: So how do you move
on?
I wish I had a good answer. But in this posting, I’ll
provide a bit of “framework” for thinking about the grieving process after your
loved one has lost their professional identity.
Most times, when I’m asked this question, I compare the
experience of the last two years to the grieving process Kubler-Ross describes:
you’re going to go through different phases. There really isn’t a logical
“pattern” for getting from point A (the day you lose your job) to point B (the
day you realize you’ve gotten past the pain).
Not everyone is going to go through all the same phases in the same way
or in the same order – because grief is a personal thing.
As I was told by a kind soul, so long ago, upon the death of
my own family members: “I promise you
there will come a day – a whole 24 hour time period – when you will forget that
they’re gone; that the pain has slipped away. But it may take a whole year of
birthdays and holidays and missed vacations to get through all the ‘what might
have beens’ before you can move on.”
While I know intellectually that there has been some comment
and criticism of the Kubler-Ross model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression
and acceptance), and I am hardly an expert therapist or knowledgeable about
psychology, to me, it does at least seem to provide somewhat of a framework to
begin to make some sense of what has just occurred – and perhaps a perspective
that can help the loved ones who will now be called on to buoy the unemployed
person through the next phase of their life.
A Complicating Factor
What might complicate matters, though, is that as a society
we don’t see job loss as a “death” per se – although many have described work
as an innate part of our identities and in many cases a cornerstone of one’s
social life. The notion of unemployment
– or rather the inability to move on and find a new job – carries a stigma with
it that dates back to our colonial America.
The Puritan work ethic, a belief that our dedication to
doing a job well is a way of honoring God, is a part of our very social fabric.
Our very language is peppered with the language that reinforces the importance
of getting the job done and doing it well:
“Make hay while the sun shines.”
“Go the extra mile.”
“Your work should speak for itself.”
“Actions speak louder than words.”
“Don’t waste time.”
“Idleness is the devil’s handmaiden.”
“Don’t put off to tomorrow what you can do today.”
“Don’t just stand there … DO something.”
Some of our most fundamental attitudes come from that
colonial society which emphasized the importance of work: where the community
had to prioritize and safeguard its resources. Therefore, the poor then fell
into two categories: the deserving poor and the non-deserving poor – those who
through some character flaw or lacking in their effort to contribute their
work. Later these attitudes morphed – that the poor were acculturated to be
poor – that they didn’t know how to behave any differently and that their own
actions perpetuated their lot in life.
So not only are we as a society taught to believe that work
is an important part of our lives, to the degree that we identify ourselves
through our work, but we are also then lead to the fallacy that if we are not
working there must be something wrong with us.
Or if we were fired, laid off, etc., then we must have done
something wrong… been inadequate in some
way.
We failed.
And let’s face it – failure is not something our society
talks about willingly, let alone accept and forgive readily.
So understanding that there is a whole host of
acculturation, societal expectations and psychological identity elements – not
to mention the greater issues of macro-economics, social justice, and equity
that I won’t even begin to touch here – how do you get through those stages of
grief and attempt to get your life back in some fashion?
Not easily.
When my own identity had been ripped from me, destroying a
decade’s worth of effort and dedication to complete my doctorate – something
that had cost me dearly in so many other ways –to say that I had been laid low
would be too cliché, too much of an understatement for the reality that would
ensue. I could barely get off the couch for weeks. I didn’t sleep more than a few hours a night.
I could barely eat. The most mundane tasks of getting kids to school and dinner
on the table (which turned into a lot of nights with Domino’s) became
insurmountable peaks to climb.
Much like what some may feel when they lose the one they
love – a spouse, a parent, a child. You
are now experiencing the unthinkable. The unimaginable is now real. After
all, our profession is a part of our
identity. So it follows that we grieve at the loss of a job because we are not
only losing a part of ourselves, but experiencing a social death as well.
Editor’s note: Next
week Dr. McCale will discuss suggestions for navigating the emotional landscape
after layoff, termination or downsizing.
About Waiting for Change:
Part memoir and part social commentary, the book Waiting for
Change profiles the very personal realities of job loss during the Great
Recession and the domino effect to one’s housing, sustenance, employment,
children, and social support systems.
The book takes the reader on a guided tour “behind the story” of all the
statistics on the evening news to explore the new and evolving landscape of
poverty in the richest country on Earth.
Waiting for Change provides a mental “travelogue” that illuminates not
just the immediate impacts of poverty, but the downstream repercussions, all in
very personal, relatable and easy to read ways.
About the Author:
Prior to getting her doctorate in Marketing, Christina
McCale worked for 17+ years in some of corporate America's biggest companies.
For the last 10 years she has taught marketing and management instructional
duties at the university level for the last 10 years, she has also been one of
the key and has conducted research on how to best prepare our undergraduates
for career entry. Today, she lives in Olympia, Washington with her son,
daughter, and their two beloved greyhounds.
