Re-posted here with permission from the American Association of Suicidology
Guest Blog:
Juliet Carr
Founder of AttemptedSuicideHelp.com
and author of Attempted Suicide: The Essential Guidebook for Loved Ones to be
published. She lives in Montrose, Colorado with her husband, 3 children and
many rescue and adopted animals.
What would
you do if faced with a family member’s or friend’s nonfatal suicide behavior?
Where would you search for help? How would you deal with the isolation, stress,
anger, blame and guilt while also worrying and working to keep that person
alive?
Is this
subject even important? And if it is, why hasn’t the field of Suicidology been
talking about it?
 |
| Juliet pictured here with her children in Montrose, CO |
According to
the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention in 2010, there were 38,364 reported suicide deaths and there are an
estimated 8-25 attempted suicides for every suicide death. A suicide attempt is
defined as “the act of intentionally ending one’s life that does not result in
death”. In other words, the person who tried to end their life is still alive. If we use the number six as the
number of people dramatically affected by a suicide, we can estimate that
somewhere between 1,841,472 and 5,754,600 are affected annually in the United
States by a suicide attempt of a loved one, including the attempter.
Estimated Suicide Completions 2010
38,364
reported suicide deaths
230,184
people affected in the US annually
4.45 million
Americans are bereaved by suicide
Estimated Suicide Attempts 2010
Between
1,841,472 & 5,754,600 are affected annually in the US by a suicide attempt
(including the attempter
30 million
Americans have survived a loved ones suicide attempt
So many people are
affected by suicidal behavior, and yet, we know very little about their
experiences and needs. In fact, family members of people who attempt suicide
are in many ways the forgotten survivors in our field.
I know about this,
because I am one of those forgotten survivors. My father worked through 16
years of therapy and 14 ECT treatments before his first suicide attempt, which
was an overdose. Eight months later he shot himself in the head and lived
through that suicide attempt as well. My family and I searched, begged and
pleaded for help from professional organizations, support groups and coalitions
to find that while there are books, websites, studies, chat rooms and
organizations dedicated to people bereaved by a suicide loss there was
absolutely nothing for someone who had a loved one attempt suicide.
We are sent home from
emergency rooms, mental health institutions, and state mental hospitals with no
discharge papers, no instructions, no safety plans and no support. We are often
blamed for the suicide attempt by professionals and friends but then sent home
with my father by those same professionals with the charge of keeping our loved
one alive. The strange thing about this is that most of us haven’t even taken a
college psychology course let alone have the strength, support system and
knowledge to keep a suicidal person alive, but that is what the profession asks
of us and society demands. Because of
this experience I began my own healing process and then became motivated to help
other families who experience this same tragedy.
I have spent the last 5
years researching, interviewing people, and creating resources for loved ones
affected by a suicide attempt. To date I have interviewed 33 people worldwide
who have had a loved one attempt suicide, or have attempted suicide themselves.
The people I interviewed were between the ages of 20 and 70, were male and
female, and had daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, fathers, husbands, wives,
mothers, and friends attempt suicide or had also attempted suicide themselves.
The interviews have been conducted in person, over the phone, or via email
questionnaire. Everyone interviewed who had a loved one attempt suicide
searched in vain for resources, support, and answers to their questions only to
find nothing helpful or specific to the subject of a suicide attempt, not a
suicide completion. For many reasons, most of my research participants wanted
their coping process to remain anonymous and possibly work through their grief
at their own pace, not in a support group or chat room setting.
Some of the common questions from loved ones were:
·
What do I say to someone who has attempted suicide? How
can I help them?
·
What do I tell my children, my boss, and my friends?
·
How do I support everyone who is affected while keeping
myself as healthy as possible?
·
Will I ever feel better and if so, how long will it take?
·
Is what I am going through common or normal?
Common experiences after a suicide attempt included:
·
Isolation
·
discrimination from professionals
·
feelings of disbelief,
anger,
·
guilt
·
fear
·
somatic problems: headaches,
intestinal problems, feelings of being kicked in the gut,
·
memory loss
·
lack of sleep
·
PTSD and other anxiety
problems
·
depression
·
financial
repercussions
·
gallows humor
·
suicidal thoughts and
actions of their own after the attempt
·
a need to work
through their grief.
I found it difficult to find loved ones who were
willing to be interviewed. It seems asking a person to return to that time in
their life has a very strong effect on people who love someone who has
attempted suicide, even years after the attempt.
Additional challenges loved ones faced after a
suicide attempt included:
·
legalities from
states where suicide and attempting suicide are illegal
·
questions of when to
report a suicide threat as it was very common for long periods of time for the
person who attempted to threaten but not attempt;
·
blame from
professionals
·
72 hour hold laws for
someone threatening suicide
·
Complications with
health insurance; inability or difficulty in getting health and life insurance
after an attempt;
·
How to face the
person who attempted
·
How to deal with
means restriction after the attempt (One mom described this as feeling like a
prisoner in her own home. She chose to lock all means of self-harm in her
bedroom away from her daughter after two suicide attempts. So when she needed a
knife for cooking she would have to unlock her bed room to retrieve a cooking
knife, when she needed scissors she had to unlock her room door to get scissors.
In addition, she was surrounded by all means of self-harm in her bedroom, which
prior to this event she regarded as her private safe haven);
·
emotional blackmail;
·
threats of future
suicide attempts;
·
working to rebuild
trust, boundaries and lives;
·
financial problems
because of the cost of recovery and/or the inability to be as productive or
present at work.
People who had a loved one attempt suicide
started to feel like themselves two to five years after the most recent
attempt. This is important information because it provides an honest
expectation and hope that their lives can return to good.
From these research findings, I developed a website that
is designed to help loved ones of people who attempt suicide: www.AttemptedSuicideHelp.com.
On this website people can learn:
·
What to say, What not to say
·
What to expect in the first 72 hours, first month and
first 6 months for suicide attempters and for loved ones,
·
What you can do to care for yourself,
·
What you can do to help the attempter,
·
Information for professionals,
·
Material for friends of loved ones,
·
A downloadable blank safety plan,
·
A downloadable blank daily goals sheet and tools for
wellness
·
Statistics, links to suicide prevention organizations,
·
A blog
·
A storefront.
Family members who are caring for a person who has
attempted suicide are usually working to keep someone alive who is working to
die. This is arduous work they have been
forced into while being unprepared, uneducated, and until now, unsupported. To
answer the above question; I know this work is important because people who
have a loved one attempt suicide experience their own suicidal thoughts and
their own challenges. I believe the reason the field of Suicidology has not
talked about this subject is because of stigma, fear, and difficulty in finding
people willing to be interviewed and honest about their personal experience
with attempted suicide. While this work has been personally challenging it has
allowed me a way to find commonalities in our experiences, set personal
expectations of my own healing process, allowed a gap to be filled in the human
race that is desperately needed and given me the ability to teach myself,
children and friends warning signs for mental illness and tools to help keep us
all well when we are faltering.
For more
information: www.AttemptedSuicideHelp.com
Sally Spencer-Thomas
Not only for the losses experienced by our group and the spread of tragedy the impact of those losses had around the planet, but for the collective grief of this place and the honoring of the lives that goes in hand with the mourning.
This fourth candle we light for our love. We light this candle so that your light will always shine.
