Spirituality and Suicide Bereavement Part II: Spiritual Signs from Loved Ones

Because I have walked the path with many survivors of suicide loss, I know that there is something survivors talk about all the time that is rarely, if ever, explored in scholarly publications, so I will open the door in the context of discovery here in the hopes that others will find ways to further its research. What I am referring to are the signs that many of us experience in the aftermath of our loved one’s death that in every cell of our bodies feels like a communication from our loved ones. On the eve of 6th anniversary of Carson's death, I share some of my experiences in the hopes of connecting those in the survivor community who have also experienced the unexplainable. I also hope that this sparks a conversation among those interested in suicide bereavement that leads the field of suicidology into further research on this topic.

During the first six months after Carson’s death, I had several spiritual experiences that to me felt like nothing I had ever experienced before. While I can believe, that perhaps these were the manifestations of a traumatized brain, I also hold open the possibility that they were more than that. While all of the experiences played important roles in my healing journey, I will share with you the last and most profound one – his “goodbye visit” to me while I was on my second honeymoon in Hawaii.

It was only six months after Carson’s suicide when my husband Randy and I gently opened the spring-loaded door that swung back upon us and entered this place of dreams: an old cottage on the beaches of Kauai. Bang, bang, bang the door retorted behind us as we eased onto the wise, creaky floors that carried the footsteps of history before us. This cozy plantation home had been relocated from the sugar fields of Kauai to its new resting place on the sometimes sandy, sometimes grassy Hawaiian shore near Wimaya Canyon. Its musty scent held the mystery of sun and sea as we tenderly placed our bags upon its well-worn wooden floor and set off to explore. On the back porch, the salty breeze was laced with the celebratory, syrupy scent of flowers just past their prime, and we slid into the oversized Adirondack chairs that engulfed us and whispered gently, “relax.” When started planning this trip to celebrate our 10-year anniversary well before my brother’s death, this was exactly what I had imagined. We leaned into the place, longing for the warmth of the sun, and delighting in the hoppy and deep-fried air wafting from the brewpub behind us, “Ah, peace.”

That night as we went to bed, the muffled murmurs of the other tourists returning from big adventures drew closer and then farther away as their sandals crunched the gravel of the path past our cottage to theirs. As I drifted off to sleep, Randy’s deep breathing rose like the comforting sweet steam from a home-cooked stew and lulled me into a vivid dream state.

In the dream Carson appears before me and I am once again instantly struck with a sucking feeling just below my sternum that radiates both terror and awe to my extremities like an electric shock. He is an adult this time, dressed simply in a “red dirt t-shirt” and jeans. The red dirt t-shirts were a touristy souvenir of the region where we were staying, dyed from the red tinted earth on the Wimaya land, so I knew this was his way of telling me he was here with me. His face expressed gently worn nuances of eyes that knew more and were both sad and reassuring and a mouth that raised tentatively on the edges. We found ourselves at the swimming pool that was built between the cottages and the ocean. On the day Randy and I had arrived at the plantation cottages, the water in this pool had been too cold to swim. In the dream the water was soothing and perfectly tepid. Carson approached this simple rectangular in-ground pool with blue water and wide edging, and slowly walked down its steps toward me. We met in the middle of the pool and he gave me an engulfing hug. In slow-motion, we sank into the viscous liquid, deeper and deeper as if being pulled by an anchor to the bottom of the pool. Then, thud. We landed on the gritty pool floor.

“This is the last time,” he whispered.

I felt his large, powerful body start to dissolve in my arms.

“No, no, no, no, no!” I screamed until I could feel him no more. And I woke up with a startle and the strange but familiar cocktail of fear and rage burning like acid in my esophagus. My thoughts were racing, “this may be the last visit in a plantation cottage in Kauai, but not the last time you will visit me!”

I bolted out of bed and shuffled my way through the darkness to the bathroom, where the grounding coolness of porcelain tile, started to erode my agitated state. I sat there, my head on the toilet cover, heart slowly returning to my chest, and relayed my latest dream to my husband who, as usual, listened politely, without comment.

The next day was our final day in this magical place, and we had decided to take a cruise around part of the island, but our boat did not leave the dock until much later that afternoon, so we decided to walk around the touristy shops of the town. And of course, we quickly ran into a store called the “Red Dirt T-Shirt Shop.”

I turned to Randy, “Let’s go in.”

On one level I was thinking I needed to get just one more present for our littlest boy, Jackson. I had bought our other two sons little Hawaiian shirts, but I had not found one small enough for our 8-month old. On another level, I was hoping for one more mystery to emerge. I turned to the back rack and flipped through the options until I found what I was looking for, and then I headed to the counter.

I stood in line behind a woman who was speaking with the clerk behind the counter loud enough for me to hear. She spoke of the clerk’s daughter who apparently had just died, and of the doctor who had taken his life, apparently out of remorse for not saving the girl.

Then it was my turn at the counter.

Before I had even put my purchase up, and with a line of people behind me, I said, “I had a dream last night. My brother who died by suicide was in it wearing a red dirt t-shirt, and now I am here, I just overheard your conversation, and I think I am supposed to talk to you.”

Without missing a beat she said, “Your brother is fine.”

I felt the air releasing from my lungs, like a balloon that has been untied.

“The man I was just speaking about…the doctor….He also visited me in my dreams after my daughter died, asking for my forgiveness. And I said, of course.”

I thanked her, paid for my little Hawaiian suit and as I walked out the door, I turned to Randy and said, “See! I just can’t make this stuff up!”

Since that dream, I have not had the same intensity of what I believe to be a connection with Carson. What those experiences gave me, however, was a belief that there is more than we can understand in the spiritual realm while we are in our current existence. I believe that my brother was doing his best to ask for forgiveness and say the goodbyes that he didn’t get to in life. I am reassured that his spirit is okay, that his soul has moved on to other things, and that I will be seeing him again when my life is over. Before my brother died, I did not have a spiritual framework that supported these beliefs, but now I do. This was his gift to me. Because of these experiences, I find myself talking to him often – asking him for clarity and courage, like others might talk to God. Like many others, I am learning to develop a new relationship with my loved one. He isn’t gone, our relationship has just changed.

For those of you bereaved by suicide – have you received signs from your loved ones? Please, share your stories here.

Yesterday I Wore Purple: Suicide, Gay Youth and Bullying

Photo by Nono Fara

Purple happens to be my favorite color, but yesterday when I went to put something purple on, my heart was heavy. Yesterday, people all over the country chose to wear purple to honor the young gay teens who took their lives because of bullying. People wore purple to show solidarity in standing up against hate.

Will wearing purple erase homophobia? Will it bring back those that we have lost? No. But never underestimate the power of the masses to bring change. When someone is struggling with suicidal thoughts or feels confused about their identity, one of the biggest lifts they can experience is to know they are not alone. To know that others have struggled and come out the other side. To know that “it gets better.”

In the past few weeks, the collective grief around these losses has been everywhere, and people with influence to do something about it are also being visible and vocal:

• An openly gay Council Member from Fort Worth Texas speaks candidly about his experiences with bullying and lets teens know that things can be different. His powerful taped testimony goes viral on YouTube.

• The Secretary of Health and Human Services and the Secretary of Education release an op-ed piece taking a stand on the issue.

• Ellen DeGeneres makes several public remarks expressing her concerns.

Last year, the Carson J Spencer Foundation and Regis University developed a suicide prevention campaign to empower allies to “come out” and save lives by actively working to create safe spaces for gay college students. This social justice campaign was called “Allies in Action” and components of it are now being replicated on other campuses.

Together, as our collective voices become louder, we will reach the ears of the struggling teens to let them know, “there is something on the other side of your distress.” And we will reach the minds of the bullies to let them know, “you are wrong, and we will not tolerate hate.”

Suicide and Spirituality Part I: The Roles of Faith and Faith Communities

The day after my brother died, my family reached out to my faith community to see if they would be willing to allow his memorial service to be held at my church just six days later. My brother and parents were not members of my faith community, but the church welcomed us with open arms anyway. On December 13th, 2004, the church was filled with hundreds of mourners, most of who had traveled to Colorado by plane, and the service beautifully honored my brother’s life without looking away from the horrible tragedy of his death.


In the days and weeks following my brother’s death, the faith leaders and pastoral-care counselors of my faith community reached out to my parents and me to offer support and assistance. The following year, they allowed me to host our first annual candlelight healing ceremony during the holiday season to support families who might be struggling with loss or life challenges – a tradition we continue to this day. Each year the event grows as more people find this a safe place to grieve during and otherwise celebratory time of year. After the pastoral leader shares some words on the important role of grief in our lives, we light candles in honor of our loved ones, listen to spiritual music, and share responsive readings on loss. Almost everyone stays long after the service is over, eating refreshments and talking with each other and the pastoral counselors present. It has become a very powerful tradition in our church.

Now our church has engaged in public advocacy for suicide prevention. Our youth group turns out by the dozens to walk in the largest suicide-prevention event in the country – all proudly wearing t-shirts that identify their connection to our church and the cause. This past year we started a “mental wellness advocates” group made up of consumers, attempt survivors, and those bereaved by suicide. We work toward helping to support those going through tough times, educating our church members about mental health and suicide, and advocating for positive change in our community.

I am lucky -- my faith community got it right. But many others aren’t so lucky, and often find their faith communities are less than supportive during their deepest time of need. As the front line responders for many memorial services, faith leaders need to know that their communication can facilitate healing or it can facilitate confusion and isolation. Faith leaders may inadvertently even cause additional pain and increased risk of further suicide among the bereaved or among other vulnerable individuals in the community.

Suicide is not just a mental health problem, it is a public health problem, and as such a coordinated prevention effort with other systems outside of mental health is required – including our faith communities. Faith communities are a critical piece of the prevention puzzle. Too often faith communities and mental health providers operate independently of one another as if they were relegated to their own silos of expertise. Individuals who seek out spiritual pursuits as a part of their coping and mental wellness would likely benefit from a collaborative approach between faith communities and mental health services.

Barb Roberts, a local pastoral care provider from a neighboring evangelical Christian church, shared with me her story of how she was impacted by a youth suicide early in her career. “Matt,” a 14-year-old church member, returned from a youth group retreat and took his life in his parents’ bedroom. Within hours scores of kids and traumatized staff and family started to converge on the church. Barb recalls how she and the other pastoral care staff just sat with those kids all night.

“Where was God?” they asked over and over again.

That experience motivated her to look deeper into the tenets of faith and how they viewed suicide. She discovered that the early church – 354-430 AD under Augustine – took a pretty harsh view of suicide, and for many years following that, the church had an approach against those who died by suicide and family left with not much comfort or hope. More recently, she discovered churches recognize people need to be helped not punished. Still, many have lingering questions, “How could this happen? Where is God in the midst of my pain? Is there any hope for the future?”

She said, “There used to be a mistaken belief that Christians just didn’t commit suicide. When a Senior Pastor took his life recently, our community was shaken. I have no doubt that he was a Godly man. What happened? Tragedy knows no bounds. Christians seem more ashamed, like suicide is a personal affront, and somehow a statement of a lack of faith. This statement has no authenticity. But it is hard. Christians can have chemical imbalances like anyone else and keeping the faith isn’t always easy when your life has been shattered and stripped bare.”

Many resources exist to help faith communities provide appropriate support for those bereaved by suicide. Stephen Ministries helps pastoral counselors and lay people by training them to support, reach out, and develop a whole model of care giving in many different denominations. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill also has created a Caring Community certification process to help leaders support those in mental health crises. SPRC has published two documents on faith communities – one on memorial services and one on faith perspectives. Finally, in our work as a Garrett Lee Smith Grantee, the Carson J Spencer Foundation developed a series of posters, videos and guidelines for faith communities – see http://peoplepreventsuicide.org/spiritual-leaders for more information. We also published a booklet called “The Role of Faith Communities in Suicide Prevention: A Guidebook for Faith Leaders” (available on Amazon).

In reflecting on the role of her church in bereavement support, one faith leader representing mainline Protestant church said to me, “The gift our church brings to the issue of suicide is the idea of community. We help people to develop deep meaningful relationships where we journey through life together, where we lean on each other. All of us face those dark moments, those dark times when we are questioning, doubting and fearing. We need one another to hold us up and remind us that the tomb is empty, that every storm we face, God will get us through. God will make us stronger on the other side and even use us then in the lives of other people.”
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If you have been bereaved by suicide, what are the ways faith communities been helpful or harmful to you?

On Breathing...

Photo by Szlea

On the past few posts I have commented on a number of major events in suicide prevention – some good news, some bad. This week offered another round of heartbreak as two more suicide deaths made headlines – both of them openly gay men, just days apart from each other. I find myself in tears again. More senseless death. The news can be overwhelming for those of us on the frontline. We care deeply and are putting everything we have into solving these problems from all conceivable angles. But honestly, there are too few of us, and our capacity to help is limited by so many obstacles.


I can’t tell you how many people have told me to “breathe” in the last month. As my roles in the suicide prevention field have become broader and deeper, I see so much work that needs to be done. At the national level, the Action Alliance is full steam ahead as some major players in the public and private sector weigh in on broad systemic change. On the local level, the Carson J Spencer Foundation is writing grants, conducting trainings, and expanding programs left and right. Last week I was working with the student affairs team at Johnson and Wales – speaking to their students and training their staff on building a comprehensive suicide prevention program. This week they are reeling from the aftermath of a suicide and implementing the crisis response suggestions we discussed just days before.

I feel so much despair and see so many promising opportunities. Others have noticed my rising anxiety as I work feverishly on one initiative and then another. Breathe, they tell me, breathe. The field needs you well, your organizations need you focused, your family needs you present. Breathe.




Photo by Darkpatator


So, today I took the dog for a run in the wooded trails near my home. This weekend, I made it a priority to breathe in the pine-scented air. I decorated the house with Halloween décor. I helped my boys find library books. I went to church and prayed; the sermon: “Creating Peace.” I cooked a dinner. I watched my son’s soccer tournament. I planned a vacation. I read non-work related books. I slept in. The anxiety lingers, but the soul is grateful. Breathe.

So many of us are overwhelmed with our lives. What do you do to find your center among the demands?

In the Aftermath of a Bronco's suicide: A Town Hall of Hope

During the month of September, the news about suicide has bounced back and forth between good news and bad. First, we heard the concerning news about an increase in suicide rates in Colorado to the highest we have seen in decades. Then we honored our loved ones lost to suicide during World Suicide Prevention Day and celebrated the launch of the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention. Last week, suicide made the headlines again. This time, suicide has stolen one of our Colorado stars, a young NFL player for the Denver Broncos, Kenny McKinley. The Denver Post has done a remarkable job covering this story with compassion and honesty -- in particular, Woody Paige, a columnist for the Post wrote eloquently about his response to McKinley's death and how he understood this experience, for he had been suicidal himself.

Photo by Zoetnet Photo

On Friday, the local news had reason again to pay attention. This time, it was because 75 leaders in the community converged for a Town Hall of Hope at the Carson J Spencer Foundation headquarters in Genesee. Elected officials, hospital administrators, funeral home staff, school personnel, and even a leadership business class came together to hear suicide prevention experts share information on the critical state of suicide in Colorado and offer solutions for change. Some of the recommended strategies for change include:

• Better data collection on suicidal behavior -- thoughts, attempts, and response to suicide bereavement in particular
• Better research on programs and treatment -- we must get a better sense out what is working and why
• More screening for depression and other mental illnesses -- we need to catch people earlier on the progression of these life threatening diseases
• More advocacy for public policy changes -- to increase funding for our Office of Suicide Prevention and mental health services around the state
• More training in our schools, workplaces, faith communities, and other systems to help more people learn how to identify risk factors and warning signs and know what to do to get people help.
• Better social marketing campaigns that help change the culture around suicide and mental health
• Better support services for those bereaved by suicide
• And finally...more town hall meetings to help educate the leaders of our communities and convince them that enough is enough -- it is time to cultivate a tipping point of change!

Everyone can play a role in suicide prevention -- what is your role?

Feeling the Power of a Historical Moment and World Solidarity in Suicide Prevention

Photo by Alaskan Dude

Last week I found myself in an internet café near the Duomo in Florence, Italy weeping as I watched the press conference of the launch of the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention ("Action Alliance")steaming live on my computer. It was September 10th – World Suicide Prevention Day, and I was in Italy after just presenting at the European Symposium on Suicide and Suicidal Behaviour. As I sat there watching President Obama’s cabinet members – Secretary Sebelius of the Department of Health and Human Services and Secretary Gates of the Department of Defense – speak so passionately about the critical need for suicide prevention in our country, I could not help but feel I was watching a turning point in our field unfold.


Suicide prevention is a relatively new field. In the United States focused efforts in research, advocacy and clinical developments began as recently as the 1960s. We move forward slowly in small pockets around the country, often fueled by the dedication of a handful of committed people. For decades the suicide prevention field has suffered from a lack of funding for and coordination of these efforts, and these barriers have hampered our progress. Last week, when we launched the Action Alliance, the field now has hope that things will be different.

The Action Alliance is a public-private partnership whose mission it is to advance the National Strategy for Suicide Prevention (NSSP) by championing suicide prevention as a national priority, catalyzing efforts to implement high priority objectives of the NSSP, and cultivating the resources needed to sustain progress. On September 10th the 41 members of Action Alliance’s Executive Committee (“EXCOM”) came to the National Press Club to hear the Secretaries and others acknowledge the historical launch on World Suicide Prevention Day. (Click here for full video coverage of the press event).

Following the press event the EXCOM convened for their orientation to the work that lies ahead. Each of them will select objectives from the NSSP and find ways to leverage resources and political will at the highest levels to achieve these broad goals. With this strategy, all boats rise.

These Executive Committee members were selected because they are top leaders from the key governmental agencies -- like the Center for Disease Control, the Army and Veteran’s Affairs, the National Institute for Mental Health and more, and the from the private sector including major philanthropists, business leaders, faith leaders, researchers, and advocates. These are the people who make things happen. As I watched it all unfold on the other side of the world, I could not help but be in awe of the potential for what lies ahead. I am so honored to be playing a role in this effort.

This launch event came on the heels of another awe-inspiring experience – the European Symposium for Suicide and Suicidal Behavior had been held in Rome, Italy the previous week. I presented five times on issues like men and suicide, positioning suicide as a social justice issue, suicide prevention in the workplace, suicide and spirituality, and the Action Alliance. I love attending these international forums – there is something so humbling about the world coming together to solve this very tragic human problem. Through linguistic and cultural differences, we work together to learn from each other and find opportunities to collaborate.

Photo from NASA Goddard Photo and Video

And the world came together again on September 10th for commemorate World Suicide Prevention Day. Not only was this the launch day of the Action Alliance, but it was also the day when hundreds of countries participated in activities and awareness-raising efforts that acknowledged the impact of suicide and promoted efforts to prevent it. Because I was abroad as this was all happening, I could not help but feel the interconnectedness of our efforts and the intimacy of our planet. Together, we are better, and we have a chance at figuring this out. Our call to action?: “Take 5 to save lives.” Everyone can reach out to help. Join the movement.

What did you do on World Suicide Prevention Day?

Working Minds Contest Winners

Each year The Carson J Spencer Foundation welcomes Colorado businesses, nonprofit, for-profit or governmental agencies to compete in the Working Minds Contest. This contest is designed to showcase workplaces in our community that practice innovative and effective approaches in promoting mental health at work. This year The Denver Center for Crime Victims won the contest and will be honored at the Shining Lights of Hope Benefit Auction Evening on August 28th, 2010 (for information and tickets go to event website).

 

The Working Minds Contest seeks to promote workplaces that are focused on the emotional well-being of their workforce – through policy, practice and overall culture. In a time when lots of workplaces are becoming increasingly distressed, some workplaces are making a concerted effort to keep their teams thriving. We are excited to hold up the practices of our top three nominees as a model for others.

 

Finalists 2010

 

First Place: Denver Center for Crime Victims

 

The Denver Center for Crime Victims’ (DCCV) purpose is to provide culturally and linguistically responsive services to crime victims and crime prevention education. We are the beacon of hope and safety net for more than 6,000 people each year. Our services are broad, supporting survivors of simple theft, domestic and sexual violence, to suicide/homicide survivors. We provide crisis intervention, brief therapy, case management, financial assistance, crime scene clean up and more, all without cost to victims.

 

Innovative and effective approaches to promoting mental health:

 

• “Our self care philosophy is an integral part of our workplace culture and is discussed with potential employees and volunteers and included in all job descriptions and orientations.” 
• “Staff creates confidential, results-oriented stretch goals addressing five areas: physical, emotional, financial, intellectual and spiritual health. These goals are supervised twice a month and included in annual evaluations. Thus, staff gets paid to take care of themselves!”
• Generous leave policies and flex-time including the opportunity for a 30-day paid sabbatical
• Proactive measures to prevent vicarious trauma and burnout among staff

 OUTCOMES: Lower burnout and compassion fatigue rates and a higher sense of compassion satisfaction compared to the national average (as measured by Professional Quality of Life Scale)

 

• “Compassion satisfaction is about the pleasure derived from being able to do your work well. The national average score is 37. The average score of the DCCV staff is 40, indicating a higher rate of employee satisfaction.
• Burnout is associated with feelings of hopelessness and can be associated with a very high workload or a non-supportive work environment. The national average score is 22. The average score of the DCCV staff is 17, indicating a lower rate of burnout.
• Compassion fatigue is the effect of work-related, secondary exposure to extremely stressful events. The national average score is 13. The average score of the DCCV staff is 11, indicating a lower rate of compassion fatigue or secondary trauma in response to our work.”

 

Second Place: Bayaud Enterprises

 

Bayaud’s mission is to provide Hope, Opportunity and Choice, with work as the means through which people with disabilities and other barriers to employment can more fully participate in the mainstream of life.

 

Innovative and effective approaches to promoting mental health:

 

• “In our commitment to mental health, Bayaud has carved out money in an already tight budget to provide weekly life skills and support groups lead by a therapist. In addition, Bayaud will sponsor one on one mental health counseling for those in urgent need. Counseling services are provided through a partnership with Mindful Therapy. Bayaud is currently seeking funding to support expansion of “in-house” mental health services. Time off and schedule changes are accommodated as necessary to access mental health treatment, including extended absences from work, as required.”
• “Staff meetings end with time dedicated to ‘Taking Care of Self’ where staff members discuss their stress levels and what they have planned to balance their stress. In addition to everyday supports and openness regarding mental health, Bayaud has also started a Healthy Families Program that provides information weekly regarding various Health and Wellness topics. Topics discussed are broken into four quarters of the calendar year to include Mental Health Awareness, Healthy Eating and Exercise, Disease Prevention, and Financial Health.”
• “Financial struggles can also add to the stress of everyday living so Bayaud has partnered with AmeriCorps to provide onsite financial counseling services, education and free income tax services. Bayaud has also started an official Toastmaster’s group to promote confidence and the ability to give/receive criticism appropriately.”

 

OUTCOME: Turnover rate is less than 5%.

 

Third Place: Compassion and Choices

 

Compassion and Choices improves care and expands choice at the end of life. We support, educate and advocate.

 

Innovative and effective approaches to promoting mental health:

 

• Employees are also encouraged to recognize the contribution of other employees by anonymously placing the employee’s name and accomplishment or kudos on a card and putting it in a lock box. Each month these cards are read at an all-staff meeting and all named employees get to choose from a selection of $10 gift cards as a reward.
• Belongingness encouraged through regular staff lunches and project partnership
• Special events such as “Pimp Your Patio” – “we happen to be in an office complex that has balconies and employee teams are put together to see who can create the most outrageous patio display.”

 

OUTCOMES: “High laughter and low turnover”