GUEST BLOGGER “Smack-A-Mole”: Fighting Off the Job-Search Blues

Packard Brown and Charlie

It is my pleasure to introduce our guest blogger this week. I met Packard Brown after our Manspeak article was published. He was interested in the psychological impact of economic distress for men, and we spent a morning exploring shared interests. Packard is a seminary-trained, proven Career Transition professional with long-standing success in helping professionals secure employment in the non-profit or corporate world. Having spent more than 20 years in both the corporate realm as a Vice President for Organization Development and in the Career Management industry as a Senior Career Consultant, he knows first-hand the strategies and tactics it takes to navigate a career transition successfully.

Our current economy has forced nearly 30 million people into unemployment, out from behind their desks to the streets or behind the fast-food counter. If you’re deep in the process of a job search, you’re in plenty of company. With this Job Market, there’s ample reason to become despondent – there’s frequent rejection, endless worry over finances, and dashed hopes. As one of my clients put it “I’m just a bug on the windshield of life”. Reason enough to feel distraught.


But take heart, it doesn’t have to be so!

Most everyone has the intelligence, the resolve and the energy to keep moving forward. You just need to adjust your thinking and practice certain tactics to keep your spirits up. Here are some pointers on trekking through the Job-Search Bog to higher ground and success.

1. Start a Brag-File. If you haven’t done so already, you absolutely need to begin recording those events when you did something well, that brought you a lot of affirmation. Start archiving those circumstances where you rescued a lost account or turned around a poor-performing office or solved a problem that stumped everyone else.

In the job search you’re going to run into rejection; people will question your experience, discount your qualifications, or misspell your name. In these instances you have to return to your achievement stories and take stock of all that you do well. Relive those circumstances where you stood out from the pack and really delivered. Doing so enables you to readily provide examples in an interview, but also works to raise your morale and reminds you that you have a lot to offer an employer.

2. Practice Sharp U-Turns. During tough times, we often succumb to behaviors, to habits that may bring us short-term relief, but really harm us in the long run. When feeling pummeled black-and-blue from the job market, don’t be tempted to toss down a few dozen Harvey Wallbangers, or smoke a joint, or raid the medicine cabinet for those kite-flying prescription drugs. I also caution clients about devoting hours to Facebook or over the top shopping sprees. Guard against developing self-destructive behaviors.

3. Pump Some Iron (or Aluminum). When turning away from bad habits, make a conscious effort to engage in those activities that bolster your physical and mental well-being as well as keep you moving forward in your search. Adopt an exercise routine; strive to spend 30 minutes a day walking or working out at the local recreation center. Make it a regular part of your weekly routine to gather with good friends or enjoy an outing with the family. Don’t become isolated. Also make a list of five things to do regarding your search and do two of them by the end of the day. My clients make phone calls to managers, set up networking appointments, or reach out to targeted contacts on LinkedIn. Stay purposefully active.

4. Smack-A-Mole. This probably sounds like “New Wave Metaphysics” but as best you can, watch your head games, control your thoughts. Dwelling continually on the negative aspects of a search only serves to draw down your energy and your morale. Believe me; it adversely affects how you come across in an interview. Remember the football film where the running back is about to carry the ball late in a close game and he repeats to himself “Don’t fumble,” “Don’t Fumble”, “Don’t fumble”? So what did he do? Of course, he fumbled the ball. When a dark and desperate thought enters your mind, act like the arcade game Smack-A-Mole, where you hammer a pop up figure with a rubber mallet. Belt that thought right out of your mind. Now granted we need to be realistic in reviewing our circumstances, but be objective of what you perceive then get off it. Don’t dwell on it. A helpful tactic is to identify one or two experiences that lift your spirits every time you think of them and use one of them to replace the negative image. For me it’s recalling my son’s hit to drive in the winning run in a baseball tournament or my daughter who’s a lyric soprano, singing a solo that brought down the house. Find one for yourself, and whenever your thoughts turn to Dark Swans, replace them with these affirming images.

The job search can certainly be a tough road to plow but knowing how to keep your mind and spirits uplifted will serve you well in the days ahead.

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On Saturday, August 27, 9am – 1pm Packard and colleague Richard Oppenheim will be facilitating a workshop Greenwood Community Church called "Keeping Faith with Your Job Search." Packard has graciously offered the Carson J Spencer Foundation 10% of the proceeds of this workshop in support of our work on suicide prevention. If interested in this workshop, contact Packard for more information:


Packard N. Brown M.Div., CEC, RCC, Careers at Crossroads packard.brown@comcast.net

Lifting their Voices: Suicide Attempt Survivors Speak Out

[Reprinted from American Association of Suicidology's NEWSlink June 2011]

The roadmap of suicide prevention is filled with challenging terrain and blind spots around the curves. Just when we feel we have advanced to a new frontier, another uncharted land lies ahead. Last year at the annual conference for the American Association of Suicidology we heard the voices of the clinician survivors come to the forefront: clinician survivors built solidarity around unaddressed needs and created a forum to advance the work to address these needs. At this year’s conference another group got organized and found momentum for organized empowerment: survivors of suicide attempts.

AAS Panel about helping attempt-survivors and their families (photo by David Covington)

Most notably, the conference featured a plenary panel about suicide attempt survivors called “Silent Journey: Helping Suicide Attempters and their Families.” Stephanie Weber, the Executive Director of Suicide Prevention Services in Batavia, Illinois shared her experiences running a support group for suicide attempt survivors.

“At last year’s conference,” Stephanie said, “a woman asked me ‘This is for survivors, but I am a survivor of my own attempt, not of someone else’s death. What is here for me?’ I told her ‘Next year we will have a panel of attempt survivors who are no longer alone or ashamed.’” Stephanie continued, “This is the last stigma. Why is it when we lose a loved one to suicide, we grieve, but when we have a loved one who attempts suicide and survives we are angry and don’t know how to talk about it?”

CW Tillman, a suicide attempt survivor, talked about his experiences with first responders and family members. He said, “There are several ways to help suicide attempters. The first way is just to be honest. At first, after my suicide attempt they told me, ‘That was a stupid thing to do,’ and I know they meant ‘I love you’ and ‘I want you around.’” CW recommends not using the term “failed attempt.” He explains how he sees his suicide attempt as a success by virtue of its not resulting in his death.

Jason Padgett, Project Coordinator for Tennessee Lives Count, talked about his experiences with family members who had gone through suicidal crises. He said, “For all those out there who support those who struggle with suicide, you need support too.”

Finally, Dr. Kate Comtois, Associate Professor at University of Washington, shared findings from her research. After evaluating the similarities of effective psychotherapies for suicidal individuals, she concluded they have at least three qualities:

1) Suicide is treated directly, not just by treating the diagnosed mental illness or by observing or constraining the individual. She said these therapies focus tightly on what is making people suicidal and what can be done about it.

2) These therapies employ an overt, determined, and persistent collaborative stance. The therapist connects with the individual, not using the perspective “We, the experts will fix you, the patient,” but rather “Together, let’s see what we can figure out.”

3) Clinicians work as part of a staff team – they meet regularly to discuss cases and burnout.

Dr. Comtois also summarized what participants in her research said about their journeys after attempting suicide:

1) The pressures on individuals who have attempted suicide are tremendous. The response of our mental health system is to diagnose mental illness and prescribe medication, yet this will not solve their problems.

2) Individuals who had attempted suicide reflected that the researchers asked many more questions about their suicide attempt and their history of suicidal coping than the referring clinicians or team had.

3) Study participants engage in and appreciate the suicide-specific treatment that the researchers developed. This was not consistently the case for the treatment as usual group.

4) Study participants followed most of the recommendations from emergency departments, inpatient units, and the researchers.

Some of the conference attendees found the panel moving. Eduardo Vega, himself a survivor of a suicide attempt, said, “Suicide is not a problem that is fixed in a hospital. Bringing the voices here really touched me.” David Covington, Executive Committee member of the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention said, “The leaders of suicide attempt survivors are changing the way we think.”

I too am moved by their lived experience and believe their inner wisdom holds the keys to our ability to better understand suicide prevention.

Guest Blog: Why I Donated My Psyche to Science

I am delighted to introduce my guest blogger Amy (Cooper) Rodriguez. Her husband Dave was a good friend of my brother Carson's; they all attended Bowdoin College (class of '93). Last month she reached out to me to tell me they thought of Carson a lot and remembered his vitality. She also told me that she suffered from depression on a number of occasions (including while at Bowdoin) and did her best to hide it at all cost. Recently, she met with a group of medical students to let them interview her about her experiences with depression and anxiety and to let them know how good people can be at hiding it. Thank you, Amy for sharing your story. In her words...

Amy Cooper Rodriquez, Guest Blogger


As Robert Frost said, “I experience everything twice. Once when I experience it and once when I write about it.” Therein lies the reason I don’t like to talk-much less write- about depression.

But after successful treatment for post-partum depression, I was intrigued to get an email from my psychiatrist saying, “How would you feel about being interviewed by some second-year med students? You can tell them what you’ve gone through and help them understand a bit about depression and anxiety. You’d be great!”

Hmmm. What did this mean? I couldn’t figure out whether to be flattered or alarmed. Did this mean I was the epitome of anxiety…the most extreme case he’d ever seen? Or did it mean I was just high-functioning enough to put some answers together?

I had my first bout with depression when I was a sophomore at Bowdoin College. My boyfriend and I had broken up, and he was dating someone new. I watched them stroll hand in hand as I plodded across the quad to class. I felt as if I were wearing a lead vest from an x-ray. The campus still looked idyllic, like the brochure. The pine trees still reached into the brilliant blue sky while the sun shone on the students playing Frisbee, yet I could only observe: “The sky is very blue.” I had a hard time understanding people. When I think back, I picture cocking my head to the side while I listened to them, as if I were a dog, or squinting my eyes while I watched their mouths, as if I were hard of hearing. Worst of all, I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling. Not only did I feel depressed, I felt ashamed.

When I recovered, I swore I’d never feel that shame again. But the next time, the shame was worse because this time my depression came with the birth of my first baby, my daughter. I remember how guilty I’d felt lying next to her thinking, what gives me the right to be sad when I have a beautiful, healthy baby? I wondered how many moms were out there now, lying next to their babies, crying. And I knew I had to contact my doctor and see what I could do.

I emailed my psychiatrist asking him what the meeting would involve. He left me an enthusiastic voicemail, “Oh, they need to learn how to listen to their patients. They’ll be more nervous than you! You’ll be wonderful!”

So, a week later I drove into Boston. Like everyone in hospital waiting rooms, I was nervous and fidgety. I sat up straight, slouched back into the chair, stood up, looked out the windows, and rummaged through my pocketbook.

At last, my doctor appeared, smiling warmly. He gestured behind him to a flock of eager young people in white coats. Beautiful people right out of Grey’s Anatomy.

“Amy,” my doctor said, “you’ll be coming with us. “Mike, here,” he pointed to the cutest one, “has agreed to do the interview.” Mike, with his dark hair and olive skin, smiled at me with piercing blue eyes. I found myself wishing he were less handsome.

My doctor led us to the hospital cafeteria where I scanned the room to see if I knew anybody. This seemed like a strange place for a confidential interview, but my doctor found a table tucked toward the back of the room. The students and I jockeyed awkwardly for seats. I didn’t want to be at the head of the table, like I was leading a boardroom meeting, nor did I want to be alone on one side of the table like an inmate at a parole board hearing. I was hoping for a we’re-all-in- this-together feeling.

I finally sat in the middle of one side, and hospitably waved for the students to sit. They looked nervous and, because of my habit of talking when I am nervous, I began to babble. “It’s so great that you guys are doing this. Wow. Med school. I went to PT school.” Smile. Smile. Babble. Babble. I was playing emcee for this group of medical students. I looked at my doctor as if to say please stop me.

He intervened. “Mike will ask you some questions, and you answer with whatever you are comfortable sharing.”

Mike smiled. He made excellent eye contact.

“So Amy, how’ve you been feeling?”

I reverted to the role of the happy patient. “Good. Good,” I answered, nodding my head and smiling.

Mike raised his eyebrows.

“Oh well, I used to be depressed,” I said, laughing nervously. “You know, back in college, when my boyfriend and I broke up. And then after I had my daughter. Sometimes I don’t feel so great, but then I see Dr. Sharp, and he helps me.”

Mike nodded and leaned toward me.

I leaned in, too, ready to be impressive and articulate. But then I thought, What am I doing? I am not here for a job interview. I am not trying to convince people of how capable I am. I took a deep breath and sat back. I remembered why I came. Why I paid a sitter to watch my kids. Why I drove through crazy Boston traffic. Not to chat with a handsome guy but to help doctors learn how to figure out their patients. To take time. To dig deeper. To really know them. Because they would all have patients like me who try to appear peppy and bright when they are dying inside.

I let my shoulders fall. “It’s been really, really hard,” I said. “I’ve been depressed a few times. I have to be careful to make sure my life is balanced. I take medicine, but I also have to talk about it and make time for myself.”

I scanned the table. They were all listening intently. So I held nothing back. “I’ve given birth twice, had surgeries, been hospitalized with infections, had migraines, and I would gladly take all of those experiences over being depressed. That’s how bad it feels.”

Suddenly I was acutely aware of my surroundings--not in anxious way--but in an empowered way. I had wanted to be honest, to try to help others, to reduce the stigma of mental illness. I had never been sure of how, but maybe this was it.

The students looked at me and nodded. I didn’t babble or fidget and neither did they. We sat in silence for a moment, and I knew they had heard me. After a pause, they began asking questions, and I answered them. It became less of an interview and more of a conversation. They asked me what made me tell the truth to Dr. Sharp and asked what they could do to get patients to talk. I told them, “I saw a lot of doctors who were fine but they never knew how much I struggled. Dr. Sharp took the time to chip away until I told him how bad things were. I think the doctor has to be open and caring, and I think the patient has to be ready.”

They thanked me graciously as we stood and shook hands. Then my doctor patted me on the back as he walked me to the door. “See?” he said. “I told you you’d do great. Thanks for helping us.”

Maybe it was the idealist in me, the romantic--the Grey’s Anatomy viewer, but I drove home feeling like those young people would understand more about their patients someday. Maybe someday a college girl like me would come in to their office- or a new mom ashamed to admit just how desperate she feels. Maybe it would be a middle-aged man-a CEO- or a new dad, and maybe these doctors-to-be would help. At least I hope so. And hope, so they say, is the best antidote to depression.

Working Minds Contest -- Celebrating Mentally Healthy Workplaces

With so much focus on toxic workplaces and the stress of the economy on the employee, the Carson J Spencer Foundation decided to do something a little bit different: focus on the workplaces that are getting it right. While we know many workplaces are suffering under intense pressure resulting in bullying, depression, and dissatisfaction among the ranks, other workplaces have found ways to not only survive this rough spot, but to help their staff thrive. In recognition of this, the Carson J Spencer Foundation is hosting a contest to acknowledge mentally healthy workplaces. Application deadline is July 11, 2011.

Photo from Flickr by Bfick

Criteria:

• Must be a Colorado workplace (nonprofit, for-profit or governmental)

• Innovative and effective approaches that promote mental health at work

o New and creative methods implemented in your workplace

o Positive outcomes (e.g., lower absenteeism, increased productivity, increased retention)

Contest Guidelines: Submit a 500-word essay that answers the questions:

How is mental health promoted at your workplace? What strategies have you implemented and how have they been effective? Please give examples and data to support your statements.

Consider the following questions:

• How do you educate your workforce about mental health as part of overall wellness?

• What are the practices and policies that minimize distress at work?

• How does the workplace support those who are experiencing mental illness, trauma or bereavement?

• How does the workplace promote a sense of purpose and belonging?



Awards

First Place ($1219 award value)

• Recognition at Shining Lights of Hope Benefit Auction Evening (August 28th @ 5:00pm at Infinity Park in Glendale, CO)

o Award ceremony

o Prominent display of company logo (program and slide show)

o 5 complimentary seats at honoree table ($500 value)

• Public Relations

o Interview and feature article in CJSF newsletter and blog (reaching 2,000)

o Press release recognition as “mentally healthy workplace” sent to local media outlets

o Feature on Carson J Spencer Foundation website

• Training

o One year membership to Working Minds Network ($120)

o Complimentary Working Minds Toolkit ($99) and 2-3 hour training ($500)



Second Place ($769 value)

• Recognition at Shining Lights of Hope Benefit Auction Evening

o Award ceremony

o Logo display (program and slide show)

o 3 complimentary seats at honoree table ($300 value)

• Public Relations

o Announcement in CJSF newsletter (reaching 2,000) and website

• Training

o One year membership to Working Minds Network ($120)

o Complimentary Working Minds Toolkit ($99) and 1 ½ hour training ($250)



Third Place ($419 value)

• Recognition at Shining Lights of Hope Benefit Auction Evening

o Award ceremony

o Logo display (program and slide show)

o 2 complimentary seats at honoree table ($200 value)

• Public Relations

o Announcement in CJSF newsletter (reaching 2,000) and website

• Training

o One year membership to Working Minds Network ($120)

o Complimentary Working Minds Toolkit ($99)



Applications should be sent electronically to Sally Spencer-Thomas: Sally@CarsonJSpencer.org. For more information or to get an application, please call 720-244-6535.



About the Carson J Spencer Foundation - Sustaining a Passion for Life

The Carson J Spencer Foundation (www.CarsonJSpencer.org) is a Colorado nonprofit, established in 2005. We envision a world where leaders and communities are committed to sustaining a passion for life. We sustain a passion for life by:

• Delivering innovative and effective suicide prevention programs for working-aged people

• Coaching young leaders to develop social enterprises for mental health promotion and suicide prevention

• Supporting people bereaved by suicide





Working Minds Mentally Healthy Workplace Contest

Registration Form



CONTACT INFORMATION

Name of Contact Person

Position in organization

Organization address



Phone

Email

ABOUT ORGANIZATION

Name of Organization

Mission

Industry

Size of Workforce

Annual Revenue

How long in business



500 word essay --How is mental health promoted at your workplace? What strategies have you implemented and how have they been effective? (Please include examples and data documentation award review)?



Disclaimer:

By entering this contest, you give permission to allow the Carson J Spencer Foundation and the “Working Minds” program to share your success stories including pictures, appropriate interviews and the use of your logo.



Questions: Please contact Sally@carsonjspencer.org or 720-244-6535.

Top 10 Programming Tips for Mental Health Advocates

For the past twenty years I have worked with mental health advocates on campuses and in communities to help them create positive change. Here are the top ten programming tips I have learned along the way:

1. Normalize struggle safely


Photo by Foxtongue

 One goal for many mental health advocates is to let people know they are not alone. When mental illnesses and suicidal crises strike, people often suffer in silence. Letter people know what others have lived through similar challenges often provides comfort. One of the most successful programs using this strategy of “normalizing struggle” is Frank Warren’s Post Secret project. Frank encouraged strangers to send him their secrets written on postcards which he subsequently posted to a blog. The honesty of these pieces is very compelling and the program has been replicated on many college campuses and has started many positive conversations about despair and help-seeking. It’s the idea that pain shared is pain lessened. The trap that some mental health advocates fall into, however, is overemphasizing the prevalence of extreme behaviors as an “epidemic.” This type of messaging can make people feel hopeless about change. Worse, when it comes to suicide, this type of exaggeration might even create a cultural script that inadvertently influences people to engage in suicidal behavior, because it is the ‘norm’ of what people do to cope with pain. Following the safe messaging guidelines can help mental health advocates make sure what the messages they are sending are promoting health and not creating additional risk.

2. Offer screening tools that lead to action

Screening is a great example of a low cost, high impact tool for mental health advocates. Like with other health issues, screening for mental health conditions increases the likelihood that we can identify emerging symptoms and alter their course with early intervention. Screening offers people a way to anonymously self-assess, which is often an attractive first step for those who are ambivalent about help-seeking. A screening that just gives participant a label, however, will fall short. Effective screening tools give participants a call to action and link them to additional local and on-line resources. Many on-line and paper screening options exist (e.g., Screening for Mental Health), and nationally recognized days can make screening a part of a community’s regular health programming:

• National Depression Screening (October)

• National Eating Disorders Screening Day (February)

• National Alcohol Screening Day (April)

• National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day (May)

3. Know your resources on a first-person basis

Effective mental health advocates do their homework. If you want to be a trusted referral source, you need to walk your talk. Get to know your local mental health providers. Visit your local psychiatric hospital. Invite local counselors to a “meet and greet” event. Call your local crisis line to get a better sense of how it works. Ask the questions you need to have answered so you can confidentially refer. Your referral will be so much stronger if you can say, “Oh, I know Dr. So-n-so, she’s really approachable and competent. I’ll take you there to meet her if you’d like.”

4. Share stories of hope and recovery

A main goal of many mental health advocates is to reduce the stigma of mental illness; however, the more we talk about stigma, the more we actually reinforce it. Instead, we can fight stigma by sharing stories of hope and recovery. When we can demonstrate how others transform their wounds into sources of power, we create hope. When respected people come forward and say, “I suffered, and I got better” others feel they can get better too and the issues become less marginalized. When you do programs that highlight the experience of mental illness, be sure that they don’t end with despair; share the healing practices and positive outcomes as well.

5. Make programs attractive and fun

It’s human nature to turn away from things that are scary, confusing, and depressing. The challenge for mental health advocates is to make programs uplifting, engaging and cool without becoming so superficial they miss the point. One of my favorite examples of this outcome came from a student group I worked with a few years ago. One student was a musician, one worked at the radio station, and one was a community organizer. The musician came up with the idea to have friends write songs with themes of overcoming emotional struggles. These songs were then recorded in the campus radio station and turned into CDs. The community organizer then sold them to students, faculty and staff around campus to raise money for future mental health programs. The student musicians were excited to be recorded and helped spread the mental health messages much wider than the small group could do alone.

6. Tell people what you want them to remember

Sometimes, in our attempt to get attention to our cause, we play up tragic outcomes and overlook important calls to action and messages of hope. We need to tell people what we want them to remember: treatment works, prevention is possible, and people recover. Let people know what to do if they are struggling or if they are worried about a friend or loved one. Tell people exactly how to get involved in suicide prevention in their communities.

7. Engage leadership

Often mental health advocacy work gains momentum at the grassroots level – passionate families, students, or faith community members come together and apply their collective energy to make changes. “Grass-top” approaches should also be considered to augment this strategy. People in position of influence can often move things along more quickly and usually just need to know that people care about an issue. So, start the conversation. Write to your legislators. Set up a meeting with your university administrators. Have coffee with professional association and business leaders. Speak the language that is meaningful to them (voters needs, cost savings, student retention), and give them concrete and simple ways to help.

8. Provide opportunities for deep learning

Many mental health promotion efforts seek to promote awareness, but education alone will not move the needle. We call it the “State Trooper Effect.” We pay attention to educational or awareness raising efforts when they are done well and right in front of us, but once they are in our rear view mirror, we tend to go back to what we were doing before. Deep learning goes beyond passive input of knowledge. Deep learning engages people in a knowing-being-doing process. Yes, education is part of that equation – a necessary, but not sufficient piece. We also need to get people “doing” – physically, emotionally, and even spiritually involved in the work, and in order really make it stick, personal reflection on the experience is key.

9. Create a symbol of solidarity

We’ve seen the pink ribbons and the Livestrong bracelets. Symbols of solidarity work, but they need to be unique. When these symbols work well, people can see at a glance the community that is being built. Symbols used to promote suicide prevention can let people who are struggling know who might be a safe person to approach with questions. When the symbol of solidarity starts to spread to large groups of people it is a powerful testament to a person secretly in despair. Some examples of symbols of solidarity include:

Photo by Joits

• Mardi gras beaded necklaces often worn at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Out of Darkness Walk. Participants choose to wear different colors to symbolize their experience – one color represents “I have lost a loved one to suicide,” another color might mean “I have struggled myself,” while another “I support the cause of suicide prevention.”

• Stickers that show hands reaching out to one another hung on the room doors of Residence Hall Assistants who have been trained as suicide prevention gatekeepers.

• Stars displayed on the stage of a community forum – one star symbolizing each person who received help that year.

10. Promote belonging and purpose

Thomas Joiner’s model of suicide risk tells us that thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness and two critical factors that increase a desire for suicide; the opposites of these states are belonging and purpose. When we create meaningful communities and let people know they are needed, we are doing suicide prevention.

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What are your top tips for effective mental health programming?

On the Power of Ritual to Make Meaning for Survivors of Suicide Loss

Reprinted with permission from the American Association of Suicidology's Newslink newsletter

Many of us who are caught up in the conspiracy of busyness are often cut off from our grief. In many cultures in the U.S., we are trained to be fearful of death; we are conditioned to “get over” our loss and move on as quickly as possible. However, as a Jewish prayer states, “We do best homage to our dead by living our lives fully even in the shadow of our loss. Our grief is what allows us to begin to live our lives fully again after loss.” One of the ways I have found to work through the grief and loss of my brother’s suicide is through healing rituals.


Rituals are symbolic actions that usually acknowledge or honor transitions in our lives and can be very powerful tools for processing our emotions. For one, they can provide some containment for what feels like a chaotic, out-of-control experience. We usually don’t know what to do, especially in the aftermath of an unanticipated trauma like suicide. Rituals sometimes have very soothing, reassuring aspects to them and give our minds something meaningful to focus upon.

Many other reasons for the effectiveness of rituals exist. When words don’t suffice, rituals offer symbolic means to communicate. Community rituals help build a sense of solidarity. As we try to figure out a “new normal” in our individual and family lives, rituals can help give us structure. Rituals can become intentional releases like pressure valves; they can bring forth cherished memories and connect us to what matters most. Every year I engage in and facilitate a number of rituals for myself, my family and my community. Here are some:

Rituals of remembrance: Probably the most common rituals for grieving a loss are rituals of remembrance. Lighting candles in honor of our loved ones is a powerful and beautiful acknowledgement of the light they brought to the world. Saying the names of our deceased loved ones out loud also has a strong impact. I remember after my brother died by suicide, I was at a complete loss on what to do on Father’s Day for my Dad. When I meditated on this question, the image of a Weeping American Elm flashed in my mind’s eye. Planting a tree together provided a ritual that symbolized Carson’s enduring spirit and the seasons of our lives. Watching the tree grow reminds us that our bond with him continues.

Rituals of communication: Rituals of communication can give us the opportunity to say the things we couldn’t or didn’t while our loved one was alive. One way to do this is by writing a letter or a poem to our loved one.

Rituals of nurturing: Grieving is hard work, and often we are so overwhelmed by the intensity of our emotions, we forget to take care of ourselves. In the process, we can find ourselves drained or continually sick, and this just adds to our misery. Having a “comfort box” nearby can give us some ideas on how we can replenish ourselves. Soothing music or aromatherapy might be nurturing for some. Other people might include religious passages or affirmations that they find grounding. Pictures or stories that make us laugh or warm our soul can also help.

Rituals of reflection: In our busy lives we often find it hard to pause and reflect on where we have been, where we are at and where we are going. Rituals of reflection give us the space and structure to do this. Sometimes this form of ritual can be through meditation or prayer. Others times we may find journaling or drawing serve this purpose. I find long periods of meditation open up channels of thought or insight I cannot get in any other way. I follow these practices with journaling around the insights I have received, and I often look back on these entries to “connect the dots” of themes in my entries.

Rituals of community connection: Many of the local and national suicide prevention walks offer rituals of community connection as a way to publicly honor our loved ones and create a sense of belongingness among bereaved people. I have seen balloon releases, dove releases, and “mardi gras” bead wearing as examples of these community practices. At our AAS conference each year we have our survivor quilts (quilts made to honor our loved ones who died by suicide) displayed. These group rituals let us know we are not alone in our pain.

Rituals of release: Sometimes we have places in our grief that seem to get in our way. Guilt, anger, and regret can fester and keep us stuck. For rituals of release, some people have written these thoughts out on paper and then have burned the paper as a symbol of letting these toxic emotions go. Others have buried symbols of these emotions in the ground.

On the anniversary of my brother’s death, I bring out everything I have that reminds me of him. I usually take the day off from work and have the house to myself. I watch videos, look at pictures, and read the letters he wrote to me. I smile as I read the 10-year-old handwritten note he send me while I was at summer camp. I cry as I watch the video of him joyously playing with his daughter. I look at the pictures of us hugging at different ages in our lives and think, “he loved me, he loved me, he loved me.” And I put my finger right on the grieving, because I never want to lose touch with why I do this work. I will always remember, and I believe he walks with me as I go on this journey.

At the close of the Healing after Suicide Conference in April, we will have a healing ceremony for survivors of suicide loss. If you have a ritual you have found to be particularly powerful that can be done in a large group setting, I would love to have your ideas. Please, email me at Sally@CarsonJSpencer.org.

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For more resources for Survivors of Suicide Loss visit the American Association of Suicidology: click here.

The Carson J Spencer Foundation offers families recently bereaved by suicide iCare Packages (semi-customized resources packets). For more information: click here.

What rituals have helped you or others who have been bereaved by suicide?

The Simple Gift: Reaching Out and Renewing Hope at Work

Reprinted with permission by the Colorado HR Association

Photo by mmlolek


After my brother died by suicide in 2004, my workplace gave me the most amazing gift – the gift of their support. As many of them reached out to me, their kindness made all the difference in my ability to cope with this devastating loss.

First, there was Jerene, my direct supervisor. Just two days after my brother’s death, Jerene called me up, “Sally where are you? I am coming over to give you something.”

She drove from our workplace up to my parents’ home and delivered a huge vat of chicken soup. During a time when my family could barely choke anything down, that soup sustained us.

Then there was Tom, my Vice President. On the day of the memorial service, Tom joined many of my co-workers at the church. After the service was over, he found me and gently cupped my face in his hands to express his sympathy. This tender gesture was so heartfelt and kind; I will never forget it.

Finally, my bereavement leave ended, and I found myself facing the reality that I needed to return to work and some level of functioning. When I opened the door to my office on my first day back, my desk was covered with cards, flowers and well-wishes. From co-workers I knew well, and from folks I didn’t know at all. I instantly knew that the support I was going to get was going to carry me through this very difficult part of my life.

Belonging

Humans are hardwired to be in relationship with others. For some these are vast connections and broad social networks, and for others just a few intimate bonds are all they need. Workplaces that are mentally healthy cultivate a sense of belonging. Work teams and social groups can sometimes evolve into friendships that last a lifetime. Belonging fosters a sense of trust and interdependency that can help distressed workers find hope during tough times. When workmates pull together around difficult assignments, the encouragement they give one another can be the protective factor that decreases the impact of high levels of stress. For these reasons, workplaces that foster genuine belonging will find they have more mentally resilient employees.

A Little Goes a Long Way

While we can all think of some people that are constant drains in relationships because their needs are so great, most people do not need much. A little caring usually goes a long way. For example, in one study, hospitals sent caring letters to people who had recently been discharged after a serious suicide attempt. The letters just said something to the effect of, “We’re so glad you came in for treatment. Please, call us if we can help in any way.” Each letter was personalized to a small degree and signed by the attending care provider. The research found that the patients who received the caring letters were significantly less likely to have a subsequent suicide attempt than those who didn’t get the letters. If that wasn’t enough, the study was replicated using computer generated postcards – no personalization whatsoever. The same outcome resulted. If a computer generated postcard can have this level of impact, think about what is possible when people who know each other reach out and say, “I see that you have been looking down lately. I am here for you.”

Reaching the Unreachable

Another known fact is that people who have multiple risks for suicide are also sometimes the least likely to seek help on their own. Because of this, caring work communities need to be intentional in reaching the “unreachable.”

Mother Teresa was known for helping those that no one else would. In a story she wrote in her book, In the Heart of the World, she talks about finding an elderly man who had been ignored by everyone and whose home was in complete disarray.

She told him, "Please, let me clean your house, wash your clothes, and make your bed." He answered, "I'm okay like this. Let it be."

She persisted and he finally agreed. While she was cleaning his house, she discovered a beautiful lamp, covered with dust.

She asked him, "Don't you light your lamp? Don't you ever use it?"

He answered, "No. No one comes to see me. I have no need to light it. Who would I light it for?"

She asked, "Would you light it every night if the sisters came?"

He replied, "Of course."

From that day on the sisters committed themselves to visiting him every evening. They cleaned the lamp and lit it every evening.

Two years went by and Mother Teresa had completely forgotten that man when she received a message from him: "Tell my friend that the light she lit in my life continues to shine still."

Re-Gifting

One of the great things about the gift of reaching out is that we can re-gift it and people don’t think it’s tacky. It turns out the idea of “paying it forward” is both a gift to the receiver and a gift to the giver. When people who have been helped through a difficult time are able to help another, they often find meaning in their earlier struggle and value the wisdom gained.

This notion of “reciprocity” is one of the cornerstones in what make programs like Alcoholics Anonymous work. When people successfully go through the 12-steps of the program and maintain their sobriety, they can become sponsors and support others who are just beginning. The work of being a sponsor helps many maintain sobriety because it strengthens positive self-regard. Furthermore, sponsors find that being there for someone else makes them hold themselves accountable to being a worthy role model.

If people who are resistant to seeking help see an opportunity to pay it forward by mentoring another down the road, they often become more inclined to receive the gift of help. Peer support and mentoring programs offer these opportunities at worksites, but other opportunities can exist within communities.

In summary, reaching out is a great gift – one size fits all, and it’s easy to exchange.

For more information on suicide prevention, intervention or postvention training visit www.WorkingMinds.org or contact Sally@CarsonJSpencer.org.


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What have you noticed about how others do or do not give each other support at work?